Ἐπειδή κάποιοι ἐν Χριστῷ ἀδελφοί μας ἀπό τήν Ἀμερική μᾶς ζήτησαν τήν ὁμιλία: Ὁ ρόλος τῆς μητέρας στήν ἀγωγή τῶν παιδιῶν στά Ἀγγλικά προχωροῦμε σύν Θεῷ στήν μετάφρασή της. Ἐδῶ δημοσιεύεται τό Α΄ μέρος.
«The Role of the Mother in the Upbringing of Children»(PART ONE)
Fr. Savvas: Let us pray…
Blessed is our God, always, now and ever, and unto the ages of ages
O Heavenly King, Comforter, Spirit of Truth, Who art everywhere present and fillest all things, Treasury of good things and Giver of life: Come and dwell in us, and cleanse us of all impurity, and save our souls, O Good One.
Blessed be You, O Christ our God, Who showed the fishermen to be most wise, You sent the Holy Spirit upon them, You vaught the inhabited world in Your net, O Lover of mankind, Glory to You.
O Christ, the True Light, Who illuminest and sanctifiest every human being coming into the world: let the light of Thy countenance be turned upon us, that in it we may behold the unapproachable Light. Guide our footsteps toward working according to Thy commandments, through the intercessions of Thy most pure Mother, and of all the saints. Amen.
1. THE MOST IMPORTANT RESPONSINILITY OF A MOTHER IS TO BRING HER CHILDREN UP AS CHRISTIANS.
Today, with God’s Grace and the blessings of our Elder (Elder Maximos), we will talk about the responsibilities of a mother when bringing up her children.
Saint John Chrysostom said that the most important activity of a Christian mother in her family is bringing up her children properly. Her main task is their upbringing.
The aforementioned stance of our holy Church Father stems, of course, from the fact that he was illuminated by the Holy Spirit. It is not a point made by a man who was just reflecting, but by one who thought and spoke illuminated by the Holy Spirit. Hence, this is how God thinks (if we could say so), this is the opinion expressed by the Church and by the Holy Spirit.
Family is the most blessed element in our society. A righteous family is a small Church. The new offsprings, while living inside the Church, are shown how to lead a life with Jesus Christ.
The mother’s main task is to guide and raise her children as Christians. Thus, we understand that all other roles, the ones which our society tries to make contemporary women-mothers feel they should play, such as the professional or the social role or the role of a person trying to attain a higher social status, like men do when employed at certain State Bureaus, experiencing a professional development, making a career etc.… all these roles come second or third in priority and are a parergon (bywork) compared to her main responsibility, which is being a mother.
Moreover, if she wants to be in order before God, before the Holy Spirit, she will have to put this task on the top of the list of her life-targets; her primary role will have to be the upbringing of her children in Christ.
2. MOTHERLY LOVE – A GIFT FROM GOD SUPPORTING THE UPBRINGING OF CHILDREN
In this mission she is not helpless at all; she has a virtue… a virtue which was certainly given to her by God. By fostering this virtue, a mother will receive great help in raising her children properly. The virtue we are talking about here is love.
Women’s loving attitude comes naturally; it is an inborn quality, especially observed in mothers. However, love by itself does not lead to salvation, does not lead to the Kingdom of God, but helps the mother approach her child and make sacrifices. She might even get to sacrifice her own life for her child’s sake… There are such examples, indeed.
We should keep in mind that this natural love, which all mothers have, is not the perfect one, the right one, the love that saves, as we already said.
3. PERFECT LOVE (altruistic) SHALL REPLACE MOTHERLY LOVE
The mother has to transcend natural love and reach the highest level, which is love in Christ or love under the influence of the Holy Spirit. She will finally have to love her children perfectly and disinterested, without limits, without discrimination, whatever these children do to her and however they treat her.
Loving them selflessly means that she loves them without having in mind thoughts like: “Some day, I will receive something from my children” or “some day, when I get old, I will have a certain support, someone I can lean on”…
It is very probable that she will actually have this kind of support from her children, but she is not supposed to act in this perspective, with such a motive, with this kind of thoughts in her mind. If she acts this way, her love is unfortunately infected, somewhat selfish, establishing a commercial relationship with her children; she gives in order to receive… someday later on, at least.
Perfect love is unconditional and is non-commercial. It is selfless. This is the kind of love a mother should have for her children, so the family can function properly.
If a mother does not try to love unconditionally, she will make big mistakes in child-rearing. There will be a moment when the child will not behave properly towards her…
- What will she do then? Strangle it, maybe?
If her love is not selfless, she might even do that?
There are such cases, God forbid, you could say, but it happens…
-Why?
-Because this natural love is imperfect, unstable and one can always run the risk of failure when expressing this kind of love.
According to Paul the Apostle teachings, the kind of love that “never fails”, is love in Christ. A mother that loves unconditionally never stops loving her child, regardless of its behavior towards her.
On our website (http://hristospanagia3.blogspot.com) we uploaded a memorable article about a disabled mother who had only one eye, but her child felt very embarrassed about it. He was mocked at by the other children at school and, to make the long story short, this child grew up and did not want his mother. He grew some kind of a minority complex and for this reason he did not want her to escort him when he attended various social activities. He kept his distance from her. At some point later, after having completed the course of her earthly life and being rudely pushed away by her son, she disclosed the shocking truth leaving him a note with the following information: In his early years, her son had had an accident and lost his eye. His mother gave him one of hers! She made that sacrifice without letting her child know about it.
We share all that with you, because this natural love a mother feels for her children is very strong indeed. This is, not to forget, a gift from God!
4. HOW CHILDREN LOVE THEIR MOTHER AND HOW SHE CAN UTILIZE THEIR LOVE TO PROVIDE A PROPER UPBRINGING.
The children love their mother, too. Most of the times, a mother receives lots of love from her children. Children dare to come close to their mother much easier than to any other person.
This is why a mother is the leading “performer” in her children’s upbringing. Even if she scolds them, says St. John Chrysostom, even if she lams them, her children will be running in her arms again, shortly after that.
Children prefer to be with their mother, more than with any other person, be it inside or outside the family. Nothing is more safe and necessary, says St. John Chrysostom, than a mother’s hug. Concluding, we could stress that the loving relationship established between a mother and her child is the best framework or environment where the Christian-orthodox child-rearing could take place.
Basically, all people are influenced by their mother. All the so-called great saints or Church Fathers were usually supported by great mothers, mothers who raised their children in Christ and according to proper orthodox principles.
On the other hand, a child’s love for the mother has to be utilized. It is very positive and helpful in child-rearing. A mother should take advantage (in a good sense) of this love and instill the Christian love into her children’s heart. Moreover, she shouldn’t be indifferent, neither should she adopt the so-called modern ideas, which are not modern at all…on the contrary, they are very old… they are the ideas of the old evil serpent, who deceivingly says: “let the child do whatever it wants”.
5. THE CHRISTIAN UPBRINGING OF CHILDREN IS THE MARK AND THE DUTY OF A TRUE MOTHER.
A mother should never follow this lethal “recipe”. She shouldn’t be asking what the child wants and… should never accept doing whatever the child wants. A mother should never become subordinate to her child. With a lot of discernment, she might someday need to obey to her own child, but this should only be the exception.
A mother’s trait is not the ability to bear children, says St. John Chrysostom.
Beware! Our society believes that a mother is here to bear children. No, says our blessed Church Father. This is not her main trait.
-What is a mother’s basic trait?
- It is the upbringing of her children.
The ability to give birth to a child is a gift from nature, a gift from God and let us not forget that God created nature. The ability to give birth to children is a gift, not something a mother can achieve by herself. Her achievement is to raise them properly. Only then we can call her a mother, a true mother.
Whether a mother brings up her children or refuses to, whether she provides a proper or improper upbringing, it all depends on her free will and intention (she provides for all of them, if she wants to), while giving birth to them comes from nature.
She will bear children after her marriage; this is the natural order. Now, you could say that there are some mothers who get drifted by the “man-killer” (meaning the devil) and kill their children before they come to life! For the time being, let us not get any deeper into this subject. We are talking about the natural order that comes right after marriage. If a mother fears God, prays, and if God thinks this is for her own good, He will bless her, so as to conceive and to give birth. This is what nature (we say God) can achieve.
From then on, it is the human intention that starts playing a decisive role: the true mother reveals herself. On her own free will, assisted by Devine Grace, she provides for a child’s proper upbringing. She does not just provide for all her child needs for life, in biology terms (physical care and growth of the human body), but something more vital for its soul, the ability to live in Christ.
If you remember parts of history, it is said that the ancient Greeks talked about “good living”. Great Alexander said that his parents gave him the opportunity to live and his teacher, Aristotle, gave him all he needed to lead a “good life”.
Today, we are sure that “good living” is given by our Church, indeed, by our Lord, Jesus Christ, however through our mother and father. We should keep in mind that the father, according to St. John Chrysostom, has the chief responsibility for bringing up the children.
6. BIRTH ALONE DOES NOT LEAD PARENTS TO SALVATION. THE CHRISTIAN UPBRINGING OF THEIR CHILDREN IS THE DECISIVE FACTOR.
The fact that the parents have brought their children to life can lead them to salvation, provided they have given them an orthodox Christian upbringing. Please, pay attention to this statement…
- Can a mother receive salvation only by giving birth to her children or not?
- No.
-When can she be saved?
-Only when she revitalizes her children spiritually.
When she puts them on the path that leads to God; when she teaches them to confess and receive communion frequently; when she teaches them how to pray and strive to keep the commandments of God; when she inspires them to aim primarily at constantly fulfilling God’s Will in their lives…His Will that is “good and gratifying and perfect”. Only when the children are saved, can a mother be saved, too.
It is not pleasant for me to repeat myself, but it is of vital importance and I wish that you keep this in mind:
A proper upbringing by itself does not save the mother. By giving birth to children alone, let them be many, she cannot receive salvation.
We admire large families, and these people are amazing indeed, because they struggle a lot. But again, you cannot receive salvation just because you gave birth to many children…but only when you put them in Paradise!
7. THE PARENTS CAN RECEIVE SALVATION, “WHEN THEY THEMSELVES AND THEIR CHILDREN REMAIN CHASTE, FAITHFUL AND IN SANCTITY.”
St. John Chrysostom has interpreted the related paragraph in the Bible “…she shall be saved in childbearing, if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety.” as follows:
- So, I ask myself: “…if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety”, who?
The couple, of course, but also the children. This is how a woman shall be saved in childbearing.
St. John Chrysostom relates the redeeming (providing salvation) character of procreation with a given Christian child-rearing and says it depends directly upon it.
He cites: “a woman should not suffer, should not be sorry. Because God has managed for her to receive great comfort”
-Which comfort?
The comfort of being able to give birth to children, an ability provided by nature. The ability to raise children, to bring them up properly comes also from nature (God)…
Mothers have received many gifts from God, so as to comfort them, whenever they face life’s difficulties. A mother’s only obligation is to make good use of these gifts.
Now, what does St. John Chrysostom mean by saying “…if they continue in faith and charity and holiness with sobriety”?
He explains his words as follows: “if they (the parents) keep them (meaning their children) in love and purity, after giving birth to them” (just note how amazingly our Saint says it!). If the parents do that, they will be generously awarded, because they brought up athletes of Christ!
Do you see how St. John Chrysostom speaks about it?
The parents are not the only ones who should stay pure-prudent and in love, in order to have a successful marriage. They should raise their children accordingly, so they can stay in Christ-like love and purity. It is absolutely wrong what mothers do in our days, exposing their daughters half-naked in order to find a husband… to attract the eyes of men. It’s a big mistake. The words of our Saint reveal the parents’ mistake, since this way they will unfortunately and definitely not keep their children prudent and pure.
When you tempt somebody, you get severely harmed yourself as well. Tempting others is a big sin. Having your child married is not the issue and by no means a successful upbringing. The point is to keep your child pure till it gets married, so as to be deservingly crowned by Christ during the Sacrament of Marriage…
8. CHILDBEARING YIELDS NO AWARD IN HEAVEN; PIETY DOES!
Giving birth to your children is neither necessarily redeemable in Heaven nor does it save you.
-So, what is actually worth awarding and how can parents reach salvation?
-Raising their children in piety is the answer…
This is worth being awarded for, not childbearing.
This is the case with modern women, too. They wish to have a child, since this is a gift from nature. They also have a body properly made for that task, but this is not success, this does not save them necessarily. Some of them even try to have a baby on their own; medical technology can provide the required framework, today. However, an illegitimate child and an unmarried mother are not considered a success, not to mention the traumata this child will carry when born without a father. The mother herself is not really on the winner’s side. She will feel satisfied for becoming a mother. However this is just a natural feeling for an achievement that can never gain salvation.
Following God’s Will can lead her to salvation, e.g. to transform her family into a small in-house Church and give her children a Christian upbringing. Then she could be considered successful.
A mother can only be saved by contributing to the solid faith, true love and sanctity of her children. If she teaches and consults them according the above, she will be generously awarded by God for all her efforts and “secure” her salvation.
9. PARENTS COULD LOOSE THEIR CHANCE TO SALVATION, IF THEY DO NOT RAISE THEIR CHILDREN PROPERLY.
Do you see? A Family is not a simple thing to master; you (meaning the mother) are in danger as well…
What’s here in stake?
The mother’s own salvation is. She has to manage to get her children into Paradise as well.
The children’s care and upbringing, concerning both boys and girls, is with no doubt, according to St. John Chrysostom, a task for both the mother and father. A father has the leading part, because a father is, according to God’s word, the head of the family. He is accountable to Him for his wife and children; he will be held responsible for bringing them to Paradise or failing to do so. This, of course, does not mean that they are not all, parents and children, responsible for themselves and for one another, following the commandment of love.
However, we should keep in mind that the parents are chiefly responsible for their children’s salvation; and foremost their father.
10. BOTH PARENTS MUST HAVE A COMMON CHRISTIAN WORLD-VIEW WHEN BRINGING UP THEIR CHILDREN. THE UPBRINGING STARTS FROM THE MOMENT TWO PEOPLE CHOOSE EACH OTHER FOR MARRIAGE.
It is necessary that the parents cooperate with each other. There has to be a common guideline, the guideline of Christ. The parents should act in unity; they should sacrifice their own will for each other and obey one another.
At this point, it is self-evident that, before you decide to marry someone, you should select a person that “fears” God, at least to some extent.
If not, how are you supposed to rear your children, when you say Alpha and you husband says Omega or vice versa. You say white and the other person says black… unfortunately this happens nowadays.
This shows that the child experiences a real conflict, thinking: “My father says that and my mother says the opposite. What is right anyways?
When a child has yet not fully developed his critical ability (to discern good from evil) and does not possess all knowledge concerning God and Orthodoxy, it can be drifted by his soul’s passions and decide: “I will follow the easiest path.”
And I ask, “Which path is more comfortable?
It is the one our passions whisper into our ears, e.g. our flesh (meaning the carnal beliefs).
So, the child will choose the side with the parent with the carnal belief. It will follow the parent who has a materialistic mindset, a mindset that sticks man onto earth and not one that lifts man up to God.
For this reason, all of us should always think twice before we get married. One should always well examine the person he intends to marry, the one who he/she is going to build a family with, in order to achieve a proper upbringing of the children and secure his/her salvation.
If we connect with a person that has no “fear of God”, the salvation of our own soul will be in stake, and this, because of a lack of unanimity and thus proper children-rearing. Regretfully, there will be a constant conflict and friction, as it is usually the case with failing marriages.
p. Savvas Agioreitis
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